So what happens when he’s too dizzy to take the bus?

snowman 2That was our issue today. We cancelled. With his height, against mine, someone would have been hurt if he fell. Most likely me. I called the pain clinic, he wanted to see about increasing his dosage. I guess I call back tomorrow, because I didn’t get a call back today. I rescheduled the appointment, and Jim can take part of the morning off to take us so that we’re not dealing with the buses.

sf7Things have not gone as expected today, but that is my life. Ed didn’t turn in his paperwork, Jamey was in bed all day. Dad came home from the hospital early. I had laid down after Ed came home from school, asked Ed to make sure I was awake by 4. He left me sleep until 4:30. Which meant the rest of the evening was rushing. But here I sit with dishes and laundry done debating on going for a bubble bath.

sf5The guys are playing a video game, Dad’s watching TV and I’m enjoying my coffee before bed. This is our night many nights. Of course, when Mom’s home, I’m usually downstairs. I prefer the quiet though. Unless I’m thinking about everything going on. It’s hard to disassociate myself when so much of my life is wound up in Jamey’s health. It’s not about my future, it’s my want for him to have the future he has always wanted. A future where he is living life happily. He can still have that. It’s just going to take time.

penguin cI’ve been debating on the direction that I want this blog to take. I don’t want a cold and impersonal news site. This is VERY personal to me. I can’t express that enough. But I don’t want it to be all fluff and rainbows either, because I am not fluff nor am I rainbows. I also don’t want to scare people off with my darker side. I’m just a mom. A mom who sometimes likes the darker side of life, but I believe wholeheartedly in the light. I’m just not forceful about it. I prefer to show people by my actions rather than beat them with my words. And a lot of times, I don’t brag about my actions.

sf6One thing I do know I have to do is keep on subject. I tend to go where ever my mind takes me, and that can be dangerous and confusing. The good thing is that I know my short comings, and I’m not afraid to admit to them. The bad, I have no idea how to break the habit without going over and redoing posts after hundreds of words have already been typed. I do the same thing offline and I can really confuse people at times. It’s frustrating because I know I’m doing it, and have no power to stop it.

sf4I also tend to rant. If I get on a subject that I care about, I will discuss it to death and then some. That’s one reason why I try to keep the tone of the blog on a lighter side. And I will not discuss religion or politics. I will avoid the subject of insurance companies as well. It’s not that I am ignorant on the subjects, it’s just that I have strong opinions and I can offend. I don’t want that here. This is my safe place. Where I can be me without conflict. I need that in my life right now.

sf3We have a meeting on Thursday for Mom. I’m a bit nervous about it. She’s been trying to get into a program called LIFE. Living Independence For the Elderly. They want Mom to stop her full code status. As of right now, if Mom has a heart attack or stops breathing, the doctors have to preform all life saving measures even if they further damage her body and there is absolutely no hope of recovery. The meeting is to discuss Dad’s and my opinions. Honestly, I do have one, but it’s not my life that hangs in the balance. The decision is Mom’s and I promised to go with whatever she wanted.

polarbear 1OK I need to get off here and get something for this headache before it goes cluster. Cluster headaches are all the joy of being shot in the head without the messy bloody part, and the dieing part. You just want to die part of the time. And I get them following stressful situations. I would say January and February qualify.

Have you given any thought to your final wishes? Do you have any quirks that you feel free to admit to?