It’s a new year, for me

 

Yes, I am 47 today and I’m not ashamed to admit it. It’s a new year for me. And I’ve chosen today to get serious about blogging. I originally started a blog to find myself. It’s so easy to loose who you are when you’re a Mom, a daughter, a wife, a caretaker… It’s easy to feel like you have no idea who you are at a lot of times in life. 

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So, how am I going to “find myself”? I have no clue, but I’m going to give it a shot. Maybe if I look at this as my own therapy it will work out for me. And believe me, once it’s all said and done, I’m going to need extensive therapy. So much is going on that I can’t put into print. It doesn’t need to be published, there are others who would be hurt. I won’t be that person. But I can focus on myself, my kids, my passions. We’ll all be learning about “TerrorMom”. 

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  1. I hate my given name. Seriously, I am not a Melissa. Melissa is refined and graceful. I am the exact opposite. I actually prefer Missy or better yet Mis. 
  2. I don’t like pizza. I have been called Un American for it, but sometimes the smell nauseates me. 
  3. I don’t drink alcohol by choice. I hate the way it makes me feel. I like to be in control of myself. 
  4. I seriously have never tried an illicit drug. Growing up, my cousins were addicts, I never wanted to be like them. Add to it that I’ve known from an early age that I have an addictive personality, it was best for me not to even try. 
  5. I don’t judge those who have or currently use drugs or drink. I just ask that it’s kept away from me. And if someone would take my son’s prescription medications, I would seriously hurt someone. 
  6. If you want to know what I would want above all else for myself (other than a cure for my son) I would say my teeth. For years we didn’t have dental insurance, then J came down sick. My teeth are truly horrible We’re talking Meth head horrible. 
  7. I wouldn’t mind traveling, but I mostly want to stay in the US. We have some wonderful places that could take the rest of my life to explore. But if I don’t get to go anywhere, I would be perfectly content. 
  8. It’s not that I don’t have dreams, I do. It’s not that I don’t have wants. I do. I just choose to be realistic. It’s much easier to be happy for someone who has what you would like if you aren’t green with envy. I figure that it’s just not in the cards for me. I know what is the most important priority. My two boys 
  9. I do try to be optimistic. Sometimes it’s really hard though. Sometimes it really does feel like the weight of the world is straight on my shoulders. 
  10. I firmly believe that the only person that I need to be better than is the person I was yesterday. I also don’t feel that anyone else is better than me. 
  11. I always feel guilty when I can’t buy from a friends online party or give a donation to a friends cause. I shouldn’t. I know what my circumstances are, but I always feel the need to explain. It’s not that I’m a selfish witch, it’s because I’m completely broke. 
  12. I really miss working. I miss being around people. I miss having friends. I just don’t know how to rekindle those friendships. Taking care of Mom was a full time job plus. I interact with people much better online than I do offline, mainly because, online, I can walk away and no one would really know. That’s considered rude offline. 
  13. I do try to help who ever I can when I can. I’m not about to sit here and toot my own horn, I do what I do inorder to be able to live with myself, and because I do genuinely care about people and our community not to get approval from anyone. But if there is something I can do for someone, I will do it. 
  14. I’ve done my best to raise the boys to be inclusive of everyone. I encourage them to learn about religions and cultures that we have little to no contact with. Today they are as comfortable talking with a woman in a burka or having a conversation with an openly gay couple as they are their football buddies and that’s something I’m extremely proud of. 
  15. I’m finding this 47 things about me, extremely difficult. I don’t generally talk about myself.
  16. I have a lot of crafty ideas, but I am not crafty at all. My Mom was the crafter. 
  17. I really lack will power. I’ve gotten better throughout the years, but I still struggle at times to either finish something or walk away from something I want. 
  18. What I get jealous of the most, is peoples relationships with their families. I would love to be able to enjoy the same closeness that I see others have. Show me your diamonds, your house, your new car and I’m fine. Talk about an outing with your sister and yeah it smarts a little. 
  19. I try to not focus on things I can’t change, but at times, it creeps up on me and it’s like a punch in the gut. 
  20. I play Pokemon Go every day. Level 27 Mystic (I like the name, who wouldn’t like Mystic, it’s Mystic.) 
  21. If you’re going to call me about a vacation, then get upset and hang up when I try to interrupt your sales pitch to let you know that there is absolutely no way I can afford a vacation let alone the time to take one, I’m gonna get a little cranky. (Darn it I was being polite! You called me.) 
  22. I consider myself undomesticated. I don’t like to bake (unless I’m in the mood) I would love to try different recipes, but getting my crew to actually eat them would be the chore. My Dad is soooo picky! I usually end up being the one who brings chips or cups if we’re invited anywhere. 
  23. I’m not a girly girl. I like nice things, I just hate the time and prep work it takes. 
  24. My favorite computer program will always be Paint Shop Pro. I’m still using 9. 
  25. I love my coffee.
  26. I once found the clinic for imagining at UPMC Presbyterian Hospital after getting on the wrong elevator by remembering it was across from Starbucks and left my nose lead the way. J was impressed. 
  27. I am highly allergic to tea of all things, I also actually love it. 
  28. Even after watching my 2 Aunts, my grandmother and my mother die of lung disease, I can’t quit smoking. I literally turn into a massive crying ball of snot anytime I try. It’s not pretty and it’s not fun. I do try every few months though. I’m neurotic with my cigarettes, without them, I am psychotic.
  29. Some of the greatest moments of joy have been watching the neighbor kids play in their yards or on the street. There’s something amazing about the innocence of children. Watching them grow into young adults has actually caused quite a few tears as they move through different milestones. And today, sadness as one of those young men is laid to rest.
  30.  I will, eventually, own rats again. I adore them! They are such great pets. Of course our darling Pharaoh is the object of my affection currently. When the rascally ferret isn’t attacking my feet. 
  31. I have to sleep with a blanket even at 90 degrees. I can’t sleep otherwise.
  32. I blame head colds on my husbands inability to sleep without a fan. I know it’s not true, but i still blame him. 
  33. I am rather opinionated and I love to debate. I just don’t stoop to name calling and bullying. 
  34. I have to sleep with some background noise. The down side to that is that I often sleep through my alarm. 
  35. I follow FlyLady. Badly. I once buried my control journal in clutter. I keep meaning to start a new one, but procrastination is my style. 
  36. My children are well versed in sarcasm. It’s a common language around me. I actually try to get them to roll their eyes at me once in a while. 
  37. Voicemail annoys me. That little icon on my phone has to be gone. I actually wish there was a way to disable it. 
  38. I absolutely hate confrontation, but when it comes to my boys, or my beliefs, I will speak out. And if need be, loudly.
  39. There is one doctor at UPMC Children’s who has never seen me without me being in tears. Our battle there is so frustrating and I have a tendency of crying when I get angry. If I am angry and crying, things will be ok, when I get past the point of crying, I kinda go bat sh*t crazy. 
  40. I can’t pick a favorite meal. I can tell you my favorite cut of steak, I can tell you my favorite pasta or chicken dish, but I can’t pick a favorite meal. 
  41. I do try not to swear, but I can put a trucker to shame if I get going. I usually have to be blindingly angry to get there though. 
  42. I am fluent in Pittsburghese. To the point of no one being able to understand me for quite awhile when we lived in Colorado. I thought it was hilarious when a superbowl bet between city mayors in Pittsburgh and Denver included chipped ham. I wanted to see the Denver mayors face when he realised that it was just shaved chopped ham. 
  43. I make mistakes. A lot of them. I don’t strive for perfection, it would be exhausting. I like being human. 
  44. Above everything else, I love my two boys. and they know it. 
  45. I am still trying to learn to read my tarot cards. Right now they are downstairs in a drawer, but once my head’s on straight again…. 
  46. I believe in ghosts. I’ve had quite a few haunted happenings. I don’t spook too easily either. 
  47. I see myself as Christian, despite some fairly liberal view points. I may not belong to a church at the moment, but sometimes I think thats for the best (at least for me) 

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I can’t believe I finished that. It took over 12 hours honestly. 

For an update, it’s been a bad few months. We had a cancer scare with J. They thought they found a 2.6 cm lesion on his liver. It ended up being a 2.6 cm part of his liver that is not infiltrated with fat. Which raises the question of what the heck does his liver look like? 

Dad’s struggling. He’s been confiding in me and I am grateful for that. He’ll be seeing a professional tomorrow. I really think it will do him good. 

Mini Mister broke his second set of frames for his glasses. He goes to the eye doctors today to order a new pair. Football is over minus the banquet Saturday. 

Financially, we’re sunk. It’s like I’m chained to a boulder 3 feet below the waterline. I have no idea what to do. Jim is working as much as he can. Getting a job myself is out of the question. J can’t be trusted knowing when he took his medication. He’s getting dizzy again. And lately, his days are spent in bed. This week he has spent less than an hour downstairs since Sunday. We canceled his therapy appointment because his headache was so bad. I don’t think people actually understand the scope of what we deal with on a daily basis. When J isn’t seen, he just looks like a moody young adult who prefers his room. People don’t understand that sometimes, he can’t even get out of bed. Not that he doesn’t want to, he physically can’t. And they don’t understand why we don’t take him to the ER on those days. Well, we’ve tried that. There is not much the ER can do for him. His doctors are already doing all they can. At least I hope so. 

He’s applied to SSI again. With the incoming administration, I’m not sure how that will go though. Prayers for some help would be greatly appreciated though. I don’t know how long we can go on like this. 

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  1. I want to get active again. Out in public. Around people.
  2. 3-4 good blog posts a week
  3. Make a stand for my causes. Ferocious Fighters, CRPS and Liver Disease Awareness. Anti Bullying. Stopping Domestic Violence. 
  4. I want to start keeping a journal.
  5. I want to start fixing up this house. 
  6. Keep the boys as active as possible.
  7. I want to find a way to make some cash without abandoning J. 
  8. Bed’s
  9. Storage
  10. Furniture (those do make sense)
  11. I want to make 3 scarecrows for the town Halloween contest next year. One for Hope For Jamey, One for At Home with TerrorMom, and one to raise awareness for Liver Disease and Transplants
  12. I want to update Hope For Jamey a few times a week.
  13. The same with At Home with TerrorMom
  14. It would probably be a good idea to start therapy myself.
  15. I want to have coffee with a friend.  
  16. I want to quit smoking
  17. I’m thinking about joining a church
  18. Find a way to start saving for dental work. I’m tired of looking like a hag
  19. I want to raise awareness on how rough things are for medical families without support.
  20. I want to learn when to ask for help
  21. I want to get my son through another year
  22. The same with my Dad
  23. I want to take control of my anxiety levels
  24. I think it may be time for me to go to a doctor for a check up
  25. I want to be more involved with Edward and his interests. 
  26. I want to go on one date with my husband this year that isn’t a shopping trip or hunting pokemon. Not that it’s not enjoyable spending time with him that way.
  27. I want to find something to take pride in.
  28. I want to learn to leave things go.
  29. I want to be a better person on a daily basis.
  30. I want to be able to stand on my own two feet
  31. I want to be good to people
  32. I want to do good for the community
  33. I want to ask the tough questions and actually get some answers
  34. It might be time to embrace the grey (considering the fact that dying my hair is expensive at times) 
  35. I need to learn to say no.
  36. I want to find a professional look for my blog that is me
  37. I want to learn how to do video for my blog and Facebook that doesn’t look like a 2 year old took the camera.
  38. I want to start thinking a head and planning ahead of time instead of always living in the moment.
  39. I need to stop letting others run my life. I’ve gotten as far as I have by fighting. I need to remember my strength and stand up for myself.
  40. I eventually want to go back to school. 
  41. I need to stop automatically thinking what I did wrong when someone is venting on FaceBook. Especially when I know I haven’t done anything wrong. 
  42. I want to be more active in my groups.
  43. I need to be more proactive in making appointments and getting tests done. 
  44. I need to start making lists so I don’t forget important questions.
  45. I need to get on a regular sleep schedule
  46. I need to delegate chores more often and better.
  47. I need to take control of my life. 

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