Apologies

What can I say? It’s been a bad week. Dad is sinking further into his depression and I think he may be dragging me down with him. Some of the things he says are either completely inappropriate for me to even know or completely unbelievable, or maybe I just don’t want to believe them. And it drives me absolutely bonkers when he starts on his negativity drive on the boys. I stated last week about how scared I am about the insurance issue for Jamey, Dad really likes to hit that nerve. “I don’t know what you’re going to do if they cancel your insurance on him.” when I’m telling him about Jamey’s two appointments this week. Or last nights gem “All Jamey does is stay in his room. He’s never going to get married.” I don’t understand him and he is really playing games with my head. The sad part is, I’m letting him get to me. I’m scared. I’m most likely dealing with untreated anxiety myself and I don’t know how much longer I can deal with it. 

To top it off, his favorite topic outside of my mother and what she may have done wrong, and comparing me to her in my short comings (I am no where near domestic, never have been, never will be.), is death. And how he would rather be dead. His heart is too strong for a fatal heart attack, he couldn’t be in a fatal accident unless he caused it himself, he wants to step out in front of a mac truck… I don’t know what to do. I can’t get anyone, but my uncle’s daughters to take it seriously and that’s because he’s also telling this stuff to my 83 year old uncle with cancer. He has gotten so upset that it put him in the hospital. My mom’s oldest brother. I may call the veterans hotline anonymously and get some information on how I can help him. Before he has us both in a psychiatric hospital. 

When things get tough, I don’t sleep. When I don’t sleep, I obsess about silly things. Getting the memes off my hard drive onto FaceBook, downloading more graphics than I’ll ever use on this blog. I shut down. And I can’t afford to do that. I’m neglecting stuff that needs to be done. I do know my faults, and I am in no way ashamed to share them. This is who I am, lumps, warts and all. I’ll be playing catch up this weekend. My link ups had some great things going on and even if I don’t get a chance to link up, I want to work on them. 

I do apologize for disappearing again. I honestly can’t tell you that it won’t happen again. I’m overwhelmed in territory that I don’t know if I can handle. I did step down in the groups I administrate. I wasn’t being fair to the other admins, and the future is so uncertain right now. It was the right thing to do. 

3 thoughts on “Apologies

  1. Keep talking to people. Call the veteran’s hotline. Your dad’s struggle is real. He could be dealing with heart break syndrome. Your struggle is real. People understand. PRAYERS!

  2. Oh, my heart just goes out to you! I know exactly what it’s like to shut down when you feel overwhelmed, it’s kind of a self-protection thing. Your Dad definitely needs a counselor to help him deal with his grief. Mourning takes a long time, but it serves no purpose for him to dredge up past issues regarding your mother, or pointing out any he feels have or problems with your family that you are already struggling to cope with. It is ok to set some boundaries on topics of discussion and to walk out of the room after attempting to change the subject, make it obvious, switch to the weather. Don’t worry about only getting here to write when you feel able, just don’t disconnect yourself entirely, blogging can be a lifeline, the best free therapy there is. I know, I’ve been there. Feel free to email me anytime you just need a place to vent. Above all take it one day at a time with all issues, and pray a lot! You can’t solve all the problems today, but you can get through this one day, and then the next. I’ve learned it’s the only way to live. You can deal with tomorrow’s problems tomorrow. Hugs and love. It’s going to get better, I promise. XOXO

    1. He goes for his second appointment on Wednesday, but they can’t help if he isn’t honest with them and he needs more than once a month and it’s doubtful he will admit that.

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