What can I say? It’s been a bad week. Dad is sinking further into his depression and I think he may be dragging me down with him. Some of the things he says are either completely inappropriate for me to even know or completely unbelievable, or maybe I just don’t want to believe them. And it drives me absolutely bonkers when he starts on his negativity drive on the boys. I stated last week about how scared I am about the insurance issue for Jamey, Dad really likes to hit that nerve. “I don’t know what you’re going to do if they cancel your insurance on him.” when I’m telling him about Jamey’s two appointments this week. Or last nights gem “All Jamey does is stay in his room. He’s never going to get married.” I don’t understand him and he is really playing games with my head. The sad part is, I’m letting him get to me. I’m scared. I’m most likely dealing with untreated anxiety myself and I don’t know how much longer I can deal with it.
To top it off, his favorite topic outside of my mother and what she may have done wrong, and comparing me to her in my short comings (I am no where near domestic, never have been, never will be.), is death. And how he would rather be dead. His heart is too strong for a fatal heart attack, he couldn’t be in a fatal accident unless he caused it himself, he wants to step out in front of a mac truck… I don’t know what to do. I can’t get anyone, but my uncle’s daughters to take it seriously and that’s because he’s also telling this stuff to my 83 year old uncle with cancer. He has gotten so upset that it put him in the hospital. My mom’s oldest brother. I may call the veterans hotline anonymously and get some information on how I can help him. Before he has us both in a psychiatric hospital.
When things get tough, I don’t sleep. When I don’t sleep, I obsess about silly things. Getting the memes off my hard drive onto FaceBook, downloading more graphics than I’ll ever use on this blog. I shut down. And I can’t afford to do that. I’m neglecting stuff that needs to be done. I do know my faults, and I am in no way ashamed to share them. This is who I am, lumps, warts and all. I’ll be playing catch up this weekend. My link ups had some great things going on and even if I don’t get a chance to link up, I want to work on them.
I do apologize for disappearing again. I honestly can’t tell you that it won’t happen again. I’m overwhelmed in territory that I don’t know if I can handle. I did step down in the groups I administrate. I wasn’t being fair to the other admins, and the future is so uncertain right now. It was the right thing to do.