I’m probably over thinking things again. It’s kinda what I do. 

I’m having some misgivings that I’m going to take some time to think on before I announce them. I think partially, because I’ve been reading some fairly disheartening things online, but I don’t want to make others feel like I am taking my funk out on them. If that makes any sense. Of course it doesn’t, it’s incredibly vague and random. But it’s the best I can do at the moment. There may be changes coming though, with how/what I do here. Change isn’t bad. (repeat until believed.) 

There’s a time, when we do have to admit that we have no idea what the heck we are doing. Lately, that’s been a common feeling. I feel lost, and it goes beyond Mom being gone. It’s the helplessness in not being able to cure Jamey, the fear of losing him because someone in DC thinks that pre existing conditions shouldn’t be covered and that he should be working for his own coverage. Because some caseworker, who has never set eyes on him would go by his medical records and decide he’s fit to work. His records don’t show what I see every day. We stopped going to the ER for every huge pain flair because there is nothing the ER can do. I keep in close contact with the pain clinic. I’ve worked with them for almost five years now, they know when I’m freaking out. I do it a lot. 

I don’t know how to help Dad. He’s been asking questions that really have no answer and now, he’s asking for my opinion on events that never happened. How would I know what I would have done at the age of fourteen or fifteen? Heck, there’s a lot that I don’t know what I would do at the age of forty seven. I can guess, but Mom’s death proved that I really have no idea how I would react. 

By the movement downstairs, Dad won’t be going to the club today. He’s been wanting to go out to do some target shooting. He’s made plans to go every day over the weekend, and has cancelled them that day. The longer he doesn’t do something, the more depressed he gets. The more depressed he gets, the scarier it gets. Wednesday, he goes back to the VA, which is a good thing. He’s also planning to go see a friend he hasn’t seen in a while. Something needs to give, because we’re all walking on pins and needles. 

I didn’t realize how much until I read Eddie’s papers. He does a problem solving thought journal with his therapist. It’s actually a really good idea. It states the trigger for a feeling, what caused it, and gives suggestions in his own words to rationalize and to deal with it. Most of them were about Dad this time. I normally do not read them. He’s almost sixteen, he has a right to his private thoughts, but I am Mom, I am woman and I am nosey. I don’t regret the insight. 

It’s called a Thought Diary. And it has 5 parts:

A.) Activating event (This may include an actual event or situation, a thought, a mental picture or physical trigger)

B.) Beliefs (1. Lists all self statements that link A to C. Ask yourself “What was I thinking?” “What was I saying to myself?” “What was going through my head at the time?” 2.) Find the most distressing (hot) thought and underline it. 3.) Rate how much you believe this thought between 0 to 100.)

C.) Consequences ( 1. Write down words describing how you feel. 2. Underline the one that is most associated with the activating event. 3. Rate the intensity of that feeling from 0 to 100. 4. Jot down any physical sensations you experienced or actions you carried out.)

D.) Detective Work and Disputation 

  1. Detective Work (Not refer to the hot thought and ask yourself “What is the factual evidence for and against my hot thought?” In table form.) 
  2. Disputation (Ask yourself the following questions: 1. What other ways are there to view this situation? 2. If I were not feeling this way, how would I view this situation? 3. Realistically, what is the likelihood of that happening? 4. How might someone else view the situation? 5. Does it really help me to think this way? 6. Think of some helpful self statements.) 

E.) End Result 

  1. Balanced Thoughts (After looking at all the evidence for and against your hot though, and having considered the disputation questions, replace the hot thought with helpful, balanced thoughts.)
  2. Re-rate the emotion (Now, re-rate the emotion you underlined in C, from 0 to 100.)
  3. Re-rate the Hot Thought (Read through Detective Work and Disputation. Now re-rate how much you believe the hot thought, between 10and 100.)

There is also a section on Unhelpful Thinking Styles: Do you recognise any unhelpful thinking styles you might be using? (Mental filter, jumping to conclusions, personalisation, catastrophizing, black and white thinking, shoulding and musting, overgeneralization, labeling, emotional reasoning, disqualifying/ignoring positives?) 

Yes, thoroughly plagiarised. But it may help someone, heck it may help me. But I wouldn’t post the results, especially lately. 

I’ve decided not to overwhelm myself and try to play catch up on my Blog Parties. There are going to be times that I just can’t get to them. And I refuse to choose between a link up and being there for the boys. Especially, as Jamey progresses. Or if a procedure that can help becomes available. Let’s face it, my ultimate responsibility and priority, has always and will always be to my family. 


2 thoughts on “Ugh!

  1. You are dealing with a lot of serious issues right now, and that is where your energy and focus needs to be. Don’t feel guilty because you can’t find the time or energy to play online or post in groups right now. Do the ones you find most meaningful, simply because you need some quiet time and a place to connect and share your thoughts too, but don’t feel obligated… ever. That “I must please others” mentality will do you in every time. I know, I used to live that way and then I learned that there will always be some people you can’t please, and it’s not good to do things based on guilt. Choose what you really want and discard the rest. Life brings us changes, and we change what we do accordingly.

    The journal information you shared was great! Really helpful is someone takes the time to work thru issues using that format! We do use our emotions to filter what’s happening and sometimes we get carried away and don’t see very clearly.

    I am glad your Dad has a VA appointment this week, and hopefully can do some things he enjoys to help get him back in the swing of living. Is there a Senior Citizen Center near where you live? A great place to spend a little time doing things and being distracted… and a break for you!

    Know that you are in my prayers every day. Praying hard for Jamey too! XOXO

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