Self depreciation

It’s been ugh. Just ugh, if you know what I mean. Not the worst, not the best, just ugh. Things are not so bad that it’s the end of the world as we know it, and I suppose I’m just feeling a bit sorry for myself. I know my blessings and I am very grateful for them, but there are things I miss.

I miss my graphics, I miss my computer, I miss paint shop pro. Can I live without them? Yes, I’ve been and will continue to as long as it’s necessary, but I miss it. I miss making my blog graphics, I miss searching for ideas. Life is easier in our technology driven world with a computer. And the majority of my hobbies are online. I joke about it being an addiction, but I’ve proven that it’s not. I might miss it, but I’m not about to put it above the needs of my kids.

People have said a lot of nasty things about me.

I’m crazy. Hell, I’d be the first to tell you that. Not a dangerous, bodies under the house crazy. Not the cut you if you look at me wrong crazy.

I’m a liar, I exaggerate. I’m a drama queen. Everyone lies. I’m guilty of not elaborating or not telling the full story. Usually when it could hurt someone. Never to make myself look better. I don’t believe in tooting my own horn. And there are times that I’m ashamed of being too needy, or that I needed help. Sometimes it feels like bragging.

I’m lazy. Hell, how many times have I said that about myself on this blog? Yes, I get easily overwhelmed when things are rough. Or when I’m tired.

I know my own faults. I do my best to overcome them. At times, I’m actually successful. Then something happens and I’m back to square one. All I can do is try to be better. Better than who I was yesterday. I will never reach perfection. I don’t strive for it. I prefer goals I can reach. Sometimes those goals seem pretty pathetic, but reaching it is a success at any rate.

My friend died Monday. A self inflicted gun wound. Tuesday and Wednesday, I saw her children. The devistation is awful. A young woman in tears, a young boy holding back tears. And not understanding why. There is no answer. My friend was a good person, a wonderful mother. It was one moment of weakness. One moment where no one will ever know what was going through her mind.

As humans, we all have moments of weakness. We all make mistakes. Usually, we have the time afterwards to fix things, to make them better. To apologise and move past it. Once in a while, there is no fixing it. And most of us have had that one thing we can never take back. Some more. But we’re here because it wasn’t the ultimate mistake.

The ultimate mistake is when we make a decision in a moment of weakness, spite, maybe selfishness, possibly selflessness, and end our own life. At that point, we may feel that the entire world would be better off without us. We’re wrong, but in that moment, we don’t know it. We don’t see a light at the end of the tunnel. And there is no way to explain it.

I will never know why anyone decides to kill themselves. But I refuse to judge them. And I will fight like hell to keep it from happening when I see the signs in someone. To feel that the world would be better without you is a horrible thought to bare. To not see one ounce of joy… I couldn’t imagine.

This was taken 27 years ago Friday. We were so young! We had a quiet anniversary. We both worked. We don’t do gifts. I never did understand the meaning behind special occasion gifts. I shouldn’t expect rewards for putting up with him for another year. (My own opinion.)

Well, it’s almost midnight. I can actually sleep, so that is where I am headed. The land lord will be in tomorrow to fix the water. And then it’s clean the kitchen and back to work…..