And it wasn’t a bad week. Varsity lost, hugely. JV and Middle school won. This week, there is no JV game.
September by the River looked great and I even made it down for a few. I ran into Dad. I upset Dad, but defended Edward. My kids will always come first, I wish people would realize that.
When everything happened back in April, people forgot that they weren’t dealing with small children. They were commenting about young men who have always had their opinions respected and acknowledged. Instead of forcing my opinion and beliefs on them, I nutured their own, I challenged them to be able to stand up for their own without getting offensive. I asked them how they would feel in different situations that came up on my Facebook news feed and in the news. The result is empathy, kindness and the confidence to even tell me when they feel I am wrong.
When Ed read that his brother should be working, he knew it was because people were accusing him and me of exaggerating or outright lying about Jamey’s condition. Ed’s 16, not 5. He read every single word. He has spent countless hours in doctors offices and waiting rooms, visiting hospital rooms, worrying about outcomes. Jamey’s illnesses has affected the entire family. That’s what happens when one member is as sick as my oldest son.
Ed has been in therapy of his own in order to learn to deal with everything, Jamey included. At one point, Ed was so anxious of something happening while he wasn’t home, that he refused to go to school. He needed to learn tools to deal with the fear of walking into an empty home if an emergency came up. He’s doing very well. And knowing that he will be kept informed helps.
I really went off tangent there….
Any how, seeing the destruction that wasn’t caused by the fire, hearing my name dragged through the mud and knowing that his own family had no concern on wether or not he would be sleeping under a bridge after the fire changed him. He no longer wants anything to do with his aunt’s. He actually wants an apology that he’ll never get. He knows his feelings are justified and he knows that I will stand behind him and be his voice if he can’t stand up for himself. And when my father offered to take him to the club with an uncle he barely knows and no longer trusts, he didn’t want to go. I told Dad. Ed then left Dad know that it was indeed his wishes and not me putting ideas into his head. My boys know that they are not mini giant Missy robots. Sooner or later, people may understand that.
I think the hardest lesson in life is how to deal with people who you want nothing to do with in public. It’s a lesson Ed has learned well. I’m proud of the fact that he doesn’t sacrifice his morals in an emotional moment. He can remain respectful and stay true to himself. Something many adults can’t seem to do. It is not easy to smile and go back to what you’re supposed to do, especially when you would rather throw something. Ed has mastered it.
Jamey on the other hand…. Not a skill he possesses. He’s angry. He’s facing a very uncertain future. And he’s in constant pain. His way of dealing them is, very luckily, completely ignoring them. And that is everyone involved. He does not understand why his Pap didn’t defend him. He is angry over the seen weakness in that and he is extremely unforgiving. He knows way too well how short his life can possibly be and he doesn’t feel he should have to be fake or deal with fakeness in it. And to be accused of exaggerating… Of faking things? He’s furious and rightfully so. This IS his life. All he wants is understanding. Not pity. When Dad didn’t stand up for him, he took it as a betrayal.
Neither understand why. Neither care to hear an explanation now. Ed might actually have accepted one. If it had come sooner. Now it’s water under a bridge that has exploded into millions of particles.
Incase anyone still has any question as to why I did things the way I did…
When the GoFundMe page was created, it was to help a family of five find temporary shelter, clothing, food etc. My sister’s and my aunt (very hesitantly) made sure one of those five were taken care of, which left my immediate family, with the possibility of being without a roof over our heads or food. My own friends from out of state were donating to help us, I was basically told that the family didn’t care what happened to us. I did what I had to inorder to keep my family safe, to be able to live with myself with the fact that my friends were being taken advantage of, and to try to get us to where we are today. If you can’t understand that, then I’m sorry. I had the well being of my children to think of, every option was taken from us and if maybe I didn’t choose my words as carefully as possible, they were honest and heartfelt. I kept true to my character and still took care of my family, which is a huge accomplishment. And until I knew Dad was also taken care of, I kept him in the equation, which is something he denied me and his grandchildren. Yeah, I still have a rough time with that one. I won’t deny that.
Now we rebuild. And I can do so knowing that people know the true me. Not the bullshit people said. I know it’s hard to understand why after everything I did for Mom and Dad, because frankly, I don’t understand it myself, but it is what it is and I have no regrets other than if I had known, I wouldn’t have jumped in so completely. Maybe it would have been better if Dad had been forced to actually care for Mom like he pretends he did? Maybe if the girls would had to deal with what was really happening, it wouldn’t be so easy to demonize me for being there?
Who knows, and it’s too late. I can’t dwell when so much is going on. Jamey goes to hepatology this Monday. We’re 3 years into the 5 year time we were told at the beginning and things have not changed. I’m scared, he’s scared. I don’t have time to nurture grudges and hard feelings. I don’t have time to try to mend bridges, they’re behind us for a reason and it’s time to accept and move on. The time for acceptance and approval is over. And how can you miss something you never had? I’ve lived almost all my adult life as the black sheep. I kinda like the fact that I don’t have to conform to their standards. I can be myself and not worry who I may offend.
If you are reading this and you are family we have moved on from, I wish you all the best in life. Everything happens for a reason, and there is lessons to be learned in everything that has happened. Mine was to learn to stand on my own. May you find peace in your lesson. I am happy with who I am. The woman I have become and I’m really sorry you will never get the chance to know her, but thank you for your part in making me who I am. It really is too bad, I’m a decent person and you might have actually liked me.