I’m out of excuses

The main one is that posting from my phone is just not the same. But nothing is the same anymore. And that’s not really all that bad. The things I find myself missing the most, besides Mom and Pharaoh, are all material. My favorite shorts, my camo tank top, my computer… Pharaoh is greatly missed. That sweet ball of energy. Mom will always be in my heart. So many memories.

I can’t help thinking about what Mom would think of how things turned out. Thank God she never saw what happened to the house. She loved that house. I feel guilty over the fire. Yes, my surge protector started it. But what happened afterwards? That’s unforgivable.

I’m not talking about the fall out. That actually was sort of predictable. I’m not talking about what was said about me, I know who I really am. I’m talking about the completely un necessary destruction. Mom would have been horrified. She would have been so hurt. But that’s neither here nor there. I have to let go of the past and move on.

You see, I haven’t only been making excuses about not posting on my blog. I’m making excuses for my life in general. The “I’m in a funk” needs to stop. The “We have so much going on” needs to stop. I need to stop making excuses for myself and Jim and the boys. I can’t control anyone but myself and my reaction to others. I really need to do a better job at that.

Grrrr. I just caught myself falling back on old habits. Self righteous me. A conversation on Facebook three years ago. I do not need confirmation that I did what was needed, what was right. Yet, I made screenshots of that conversation. And I know very well that I will keep those screenshots. Nothing will change the past. I should be looking towards the future. I hate this part of me that feels the need to prove everything. If I can’t leave go of that, how can I ever be able to leave the past where it belongs? I’ve prided myself as someone who needs no one’s approval and that is a big fat lie.

What am I attempting to prove to myself? That I’m a better person than anyone? That shouldn’t matter if I follow my own philosophy. I need not be better than anyone except for who I was yesterday. Yet, I fall into the same trap. One I set myself. No one else cares. No one else should. I shouldn’t. But the truth is, I do. I care way too much and that will be my downfall. I will never get the approval of those from whom I’m seeking from. They know the truth already and ignore it. I have to let it go.

12:25 pm

I’ve been up for eight hours now. I have managed to get quite a bit accomplished. Nothing really finished, but there really isn’t a huge mess. I did manage to smash my finger pretty good. I was trying to put my dining room curtains back up. The screw had come out of the wall. Jim said there was a hammer in the car, but I couldn’t find it, so I used a rachet extender in most definitely the wrong fashion.

I knew better, still did it. No one to blame but me. Needless to say, the curtains will wait for Jim to put up.

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