I need to be held accountable. I need to find a way to be organized in my life. I’m not going to pretend that I am the perfect Domestic Goddess. I am not. I suck at being domestic. It would be easier IF I had help, but I don’t. So I need to establish routines that will allow me to take care of things myself.

I began reading years ago. Probably at least a decade ago.  I just never took off. I had plenty of excuses. My biggest issue, I get overwhelmed and just shut down. In the past five years, I’ve proven to myself that I can thrive in chaos. Yet household chores? Still not my cup of tea. Or maybe it is my cup of tea considering how very allergic I am…

I also have learned quite a bit on pride over the past few years. Pride is a luxury that few can honestly afford. I’ve had to swallow mine so often over the past few years, that most of my current weight can be contributed to it. It doesn’t digest well. And, once again, I am swallowing it in the name of becoming a better, more organized person. I need to admit my faults and problems because that is the first step in fixing them.

  • I am no domestic goddess
  • I have no help
  • I get overwhelmed and distracted too easily.
  • I procrastinate

There will be more.

For a long time now, I haven’t looked into the future more than a week or a month at a time. I couldn’t. You can’t make plans if you are always having to reschedule for ER visits at the drop of a hat, or because someone else decided what they want to do is more important. I haven’t had a “life of my own” in more time than I care to admit. A lot of people do lose themselves in becoming a caretaker, in many ways, I was stolen. And in some, I did it to myself. I didn’t set boundaries, I didn’t feel entitled to.  I’ll be paying for that mistake for a long time to come, hopefully. I’ll get those back once Jamey is healthy or the unmentionable happens, and when Dad is gone. I would like my father to see Jamey healthy again, Mom didn’t.

I feel guilty relying so much on Edward, and I leave him off the hook on many things. And I never really did force responsibility on Jamey when he was healthy and once he came down sick? I babied him. I still do. I feel guilty asking him to do even basic things. And I need to get rid of the guilt. There are things he can do and if I am truly going to hold myself accountable publicly, then part of that is going to have to be holding my family accountable privately.

So,  everything has changed.  I’ll be starting on a blank canvas.  Gone is 70+ years of accumulated clutter.  It’s just the four of us and a totally new schedule.  I am finally back to work and happy about it.  I missed working. I think we have the perfect schedule for us.  

Slowly,  but surely, we will rebuild and we will definitely be better off. Now,  I just need to build routines.